Consumed
by Ringwench
Summary: Pippin is filled with guilt over Gandalf's death. Merry is concerned. Hobbit cuddles ensue.


Title: Consumed (Response to LOTR Improv # 1--Reason-vision-ridiculous-tail)

Author: Sarah (nonnie_star@yahoo.com) 

Rating: PG

Type: H/C, angst, pre-slash

Disclaimer: Do I own anything pertaining to Lord of the Rings? You've GOT to be kidding me

Description: Late one night in Lothlorien. Pippin is feeling a lot of guilt over what happened in Moria. Merry is concerned. Hobbit cuddles ensue.

Authors Notes: Formulaic, contrived, unoriginal, pretty much fluffy drivel. Needless to say, not my best fic. If you still want to read, be my guest. Don't say you weren't warned. 

* * *

Merry lay in the starlit grove, snug in his bed on the Lothlorien forest floor. It was the most comfortable bed he'd slept on since that night so long ago at the Prancing Pony but, despite this, no matter what he did he could not get to sleep. His dreams were haunted with the horrors he'd witnessed in Moria. In particular the vision of Gandalf's losing battle with the Balrog and subsequent fall into shadow. 

Another reason for Merry's sleeplessness was his increasing concern for Pippin. The usually exuberant young Hobbit had been all but silent since they had escaped from Moria, collapsing in the snow lit by the impossibly bright sunlight. Merry and Pippin had wept, clutching on to each other, desperately trying to provide and receive what little comfort was possible. 

Aragorn had given them barely a moment to grieve before they were wearily hoisted to their feet again and forced to trudge onward. They were too frightened and tired to protest, especially since they knew that at any moment a swarm of Orcs would be back on their tail. Aragorn, Boromir, Gimli, and Legolas walked swiftly onward while the four Hobbits had to nearly sprint to keep up. 

Nobody had spoken as they made the journey toward the woods of Lothlorien. Merry had kept a close eye on Pippin but Pip hadn't said a word. Not even about the hunger Merry was certain the other Hobbit was feeling, or how tired he must have been. Merry knew that like all of them, Pippin grieved for Gandalf, but Merry also felt that that wasn't the main reason for Pippin's silence. He knew Pippin blamed himself for what had happened and was sure to be feeling consumed by guilt. 

The two Hobbits lay side by side now. Two days had passed since they had escaped the mines and Pippin was still only speaking when it was absolutely necessary. Merry wanted to say something reassuring to the younger Hobbit but any time that he approached Pippin to ask how he was the subject was avoided.

Merry looked over at Pippin lying curled up under his blanket a few feet away, before deciding for the umpteenth time that night to try to go to sleep. He closed his eyes and sure enough, after awhile, sleep overtook him.

*******

Pippin couldn't sleep either. He had lain there for what seemed like hours, eyes closed, pretending to sleep so as not to draw concern from the others, especially Merry. Pippin, even in his current state, had noticed the other Hobbit's close watch over him during the past couple of days. 

The guilt Pippin was feeling was unbearable. He blamed himself for what happened to Gandalf. He was sure, even though nobody had said anything, that the other members of the Fellowship knew that what had happened was the result of a chain of events, most of which would probably not have happened had Pippin not knocked that blasted skeleton into the deep well.

He looked over at Merry, sleeping not far from where Pippin lay. Pippin was miserable. He chided himself for being so pitiful. Gandalf was dead and all Pippin could do was feel sorry for himself. Silently scolding himself, however, didn't work nearly as well as he would have hoped. 

Before he knew it he was up and walking the few steps over to where Merry slept. He knelt beside the older Hobbit. "Merry, can I sleep here, with you?" Pippin asked, timidly. 

Merry opened his eyes and silently lifted the blanket, inviting Pippin to lay beside him. Pippin crawled in, laying his head on the other Hobbit's chest, welcoming the warmth of Merry's arms around him. Pippin sighed, a few tears slipping unbidden from his tired eyes. Merry kissed the unruly mop of curls on the young Hobbit's head. 

Neither of them spoke for some time. Finally Merry broke the silence. "It wasn't your fault, you know."

"How can you say that?" Pippen protested, lifting his head and locking his red-rimmed eyes with Merry's concerned ones.

"Because it's true," Merry continued, "you didn't know. You didn't do it on purpose. Did you?"

"Well, no," Pippin answered, "but that doesn't change the fact that it was my fault, all of it, the Orcs, the Troll, the Balrog, Gandalf fallingit all started because of me." He put his head back on Merry's chest.

"You can't keep blaming yourself, Pip," Merry soothed, "it's too much. No one person could be responsible for all that."

"I should have just stayed in Rivendell," Pippin said, miserably, voice muffled against Merry's shirt, "I'm doing nothing on this quest but causing trouble."

"Oh stop this," Merry scolded, "everybody is here for a reason, everyone serves a purpose"  


"What's my purpose?" Pippin interrupted, "to get you all killed one by one?!"

"Now you're just being ridiculous," Merry said, "Gandalf didn't die by your hand! If you could have done anything to prevent it you would have! Nobody could have done anything. It was out of our hands."

"Everyone knows it was my fault." Pippin argued.

"Has anyone said as much to you?" Merry asked.

"No." Pippin answered, quietly, "but I know they must be thinking it."

"Pippin," Merry said, sounding exasperated, "Nobody has said anything to you because they don't blame you. And they don't blame you because they all know, like I keep trying to tell you, that this was not your fault." 

I just can't stop feeling bad about it," Pippin said.

"Well I'm not saying you can't feel bad," Merry explained, "I'm just telling you not to take the full burden of blame on to yourself. What happened was an accident, and even if it wasn't, you had no idea that anything that terrible would result. So stop doing this to yourself. If you want to help the quest you'll be no good to anyone consumed with guilt. You have to let this go."

"I can't!" Pippin wailed, fresh tears flowing from beneath his closed eyelids, "I keep trying to tell myself all the things you've been telling me but I just can't believe them!" 

Merry hugged Pippin tighter. "Please believe me, Pip," Merry soothed, "I'm worried about you. This isn't like you."

Pippin said nothing, just continued to weep bitterly into Merry's shirt. Merry shifted them around so that so that he was looking Pippin in the eye. 

"Listen to me," Merry said, firmly but softly, "you've got to stop this. You have to be strong. Do you think Gandalf would want you to be sitting here feeling sorry for yourself? He would want you to carry on. The quest is more important than one person; more important than all of us put together. Now will you please believe me and stop worrying yourself to death over this?" 

Merry tilted Pippin's head up and gently kissed the younger Hobbit's trembling lips. Pippin wiped his eyes and sniffed mightily. "I'm starting to believe you," Pippin said, quietly, shifting to rest his head against Merry's chest again, "I can't stop feeling awful about what happened. But I think you're right that I'm of no use to anyone like this. So I'm going to try. I guess all I can do is try my best and hope not to foul everything up. Who knows, I could end up doing something useful."

"Anything could happen, Pip," Merry said, a faint smile on his lips, "but before you start being all useful, can we get some sleep first? We've only a few hours before sunrise."

"Alright," Pippin said, absently playing with the buttons on Merry's shirt, "thanks, Merry. G'night."

"G'night, Pip."

* * *

Back to LOTR Slash Fanfiction

Email Me!

* * *


End file.
